By Julie Selesnick
*Editor’s note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to reflect the overall views of VAPE Magazine, nor does it reflect candidates’ actual feelings.
As election season heats up, I have decided to find out where the candidates stand on an issue near and dear to us all: vaping! Here are some quotes from the main contenders:
Only losers and quitters vape. Of course, by losers and quitters, I mean people smart enough to lose a bad habit and quit smoking those nasty cancer sticks. I am very rich and I have a lot of money; part of the reason why is that I never wasted my money on cigarettes. That’s stupid.
Only haters and idiots smoke. I bet all my opponents smoke (except Marco Rubio; he is too young to smoke). If I win the election, I will reveal a plan so big you won’t believe it. Here it is: I will build a wall around all the smokers, and it will be better than the Great Wall of China. China will beg for a Trump smoking wall. Nobody escapes. Walling off all the smokers is the most specific part of my plan to Make America Great Again!
Smoking is like slavery and Obamacare. It also is a choice, like being gay. Just as heterosexuals come out of prison gay, sometimes they come out as smokers. [Inaudible.] That is why when I am president and we abolish the tax system and move to a Biblical tithing system, I will also only allow women and vape pens in the prison commissary, so nonsmoking heterosexuals come out the way they went in. But I don’t think Muslims have the right to vape. Other than that, I recommend all smokers switch to vaping. I’m a doctor, I know these things.
Smoking is part of the Planned Parenthood conspiracy to harvest organs and sell them to the highest bidder. I’m pretty sure everyone involved in Benghazi was smoking. Vaping is not in my Bible either, though, and I’m not sure if I am in favor of it or not. If it is anything like being gay or having an abortion, then it just makes America more dangerous. I have to call Kim Davis to get some guidance on this, and I will get back to you. Until then, just stick with guns; we know they are safe.
What is my position on vaping? What is the American public’s position? Do we have poll numbers? How can I spontaneously answer this without knowing the right answer? I need to see the numbers! Do we have any campaign advice on this? Let me check my email. [One day later.] I checked my secure home email, where I do not keep anything of importance at all, even though it’s secure, I swear, and I now know that vaping is an important right. Vaping rights are women’s rights, and women’s rights are human rights. I support all those who wish to vape safely and vow to provide access to all Americans. Unless public opinion changes in the future.
I vow to shut this government down if people threaten your right to vape. You have a divine right to vape, and I will not let the federal government take that away from you. I will filibuster from now until the election if someone tries to mess with your vaping rights, I swear. Have you ever vaped out of the end of a machine gun? It is better than bacon (and green eggs and ham); give it a try! I am convinced that smoking is a liberal conspiracy to attract Democrat voters, and I am positive that if the founding fathers were present they would vape, not smoke. I am Ted Cruz, your Strict Constructionist Hispanic Pro-Vaping Candidate for 2016, and I approve this message.
I don’t believe in gun control, smoking control, or really any control. [Light perspiration begins.] I think it is the responsibility of families to keep family members from buying too many guns and from smoking. If I had a sister that was smoking, I would surely recommend she vape instead, but if the government interferes in this and agrees with me, then I will suggest the opposite of anything the government suggests. Unless I am president, of course; then, anything the federal government suggests will be a really good idea. [Sweating profusely.] But anyway, did I mention that I’m Hispanic and yo hablo español? That’s right. Please pass the water.
I am not a liberal. I am more conservative than all the gentlemen on this stage, as a matter of fact. And I’m a bigger businessperson than Donald Trump! Yes, he has more money than me, but I never filed for bankruptcy. I was the first woman to run Hewlett-Packard! I think it is safe to say that nobody has come close to doing the job I did on, I mean, at, HP. But they didn’t go bankrupt. Wait, what is the question? Oh, vaping. Is that something about drugs? I’m against it, if so. Does Hillary like it? Then I hate it, and it’s bad for America!
Are you sure smoking isn’t safe? My brother, who kept us all safe when he was president, never started a war against cigarettes. My larger concern is that this issue is far too exciting and divisive. And also, if Donald Trump is in favor of vaping, then I am more in favor of it. Or less. Which position takes less energy? Stuff happens, you know? Is this thing on?
America today is the wealthiest country in the history of the world, and yet we lose almost half a million people a year to smoking. The wealth, and the vape pens, are concentrated in the hands of the elite. The grotesque levels of income inequality, wealth inequality and vaping inequality are abysmal and immoral. Feel the Bern and agree to stop burning cigarettes! Vape on!
Julie Selesnick practiced law in Washington, D.C. for 14 years until January 2015, when she left private practice as a partner to follow her dreams and open her own online vapor store. Selesnick, an avid vaper who successfully quit smoking through vaping after almost 30 years as a smoker, is helping others who want to quit smoking transition to vaping, and providing the finest quality e-liquids and newest vaporizer hardware for all level of vapers, from beginner to Yoda. Selesnick continues to provide legal consulting services and do freelance writing, in addition to running her own business and actively blogging about all things vape. Visit her store at www.thehappyvaporcompany.com